Teresa Derr, 134 YinD
My host sister was scrolling through Tik Tok one day, and a snippet from Meghan Trainor’s song “NO” came on. It was only for two seconds or so before she scrolled on, but the song stuck with me throughout my day. I thought of it when my coworkers at my อบต. (SAO, or Subdistrict Administrative Office) asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. I thought about it when their boss asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought about it when one of the ladies asked me to set her up with American boyfriends (specifically my brothers and male friends). I thought about it when the older man who wanted to practice English with me while I was playing volleyball shouted ‘I love you!’ every time I hit the ball (regardless of where it went). I thought about it when my Mae’s friend asked me to become her daughter-in-law.
‘Nah to the Ah to the ‘No No No’
As an asexual demiromantic person, I have always related to the lyrics of this song – being in a relationship has never been my priority. What’s more, while I fully support love in all its various forms, I tend to be fairly oblivious to all but the most obvious expressions of it (such as those listed above), and such overt declarations make me feel like this dog:
What I thought had been a normal conversation suddenly feels like a room on fire and, with wide eyes and a pasted-on smile, I can only say “No – No? No.” (and I’m very grateful that everyone I’ve met has been content to let it go at that. I know that isn’t the case for everyone, and if anyone ever needs a listening ear, mine is always available). As the conversation continues around me, I maintain my smile and try to hide my awkward bafflement as my ป.5 (fifth grade) girls talk about their boyfriends – one has two and another has three – or my coworker outlines her dreams of having three husbands, or my ม.3 (ninth grade) students compare the hotness of Thai guys to American guys. I’ll be honest, I consider my asexuality a blessing and the best orientation possible, but it does leave me floundering in these conversations, which have felt more frequent here.
To my relief (consternation?), I’ve learned I am not alone in this experience. I created a survey aimed at finding out if my fellow volunteers have experienced unsolicited comments, questions, or offers related to their relationship status or sexual orientation at site and gave them the opportunity to share their stories with me. Of the 23 volunteers who so graciously took the time to respond to my survey (out of the 47 volunteers serving in Thailand currently), 17 of them have been in similar situations to the ones I described above.
Out of the 17, those who shared their stories revealed similar emotional reactions, specifically wide ranges of awkwardness, amusement, and irritation. How much and what someone feels, obviously, depends on the situation. I could relate to the many stories shared of older men causing discomfort in their words or behavior, as well as the appreciation shown for community members who helped volunteers enforce their boundaries, keeping them safe. I was a little surprised by the number of stories shared where volunteers have been pressured to date single coworkers around the same age as them – it isn’t something I have experienced, but if you have, know you aren’t alone!
While I’ve not gone on a date as a Peace Corps volunteer, I could relate to Cloé’s story about being uncomfortable by the strong preference Thai people express for white skin. Being completely oblivious to the intricacies of flirting, I have not learned interesting pick up lines like Jack has from his experiences, but if you have, maybe you were also flattered like he was! I feel like almost everyone can relate to the experience of alcohol increasing the discomfort and danger of the situation.
While Thailand does seem to be relatively receptive to different sexual orientations and gender orientations, that doesn’t mean that people can’t make harmful assumptions or be insensitive to the point of homophobia. I know my own orientation has affected my reaction to the situations I’ve been in, and according to the survey, it’s affected others’ as well. But while our emotional reactions are valid and somewhat out of our control, how we actually respond to the situation is entirely our choice. And there are as many valid responses as there are situations!
A common response I saw to unwanted attention was to laugh and either ignore the comment or leave the conversation. Walking away is always valid, especially when the situation is too hurtful or dangerous to laugh at. I could relate to those who responded by saying they already have a boyfriend or they don’t want a boyfriend (I have said both of these sentences several times, even though for me they’re both a lie; they’re easier than explaining my complicated and mostly undecided feelings surrounding dating). I was especially impressed by the story of someone enforcing their boundaries by turning their experiences getting told “I love you” into a lesson for the older men, explaining why it isn’t appropriate to say that without knowing the person. I have also noticed that this seems to be one of the few English phrases people remember from school, and I respect the work that must go into explaining that in Thai!
To be honest, reading through the stories from my survey has been a very meaningful part of my week. The responses I got ranged from funny to making me want to cry. The resilience and creativity my fellow volunteers showed in dealing with these types of situations amazed and bolstered me. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through and, even though it was almost completely anonymous (thank you Jack and Cloé for giving me permission to share your names!), it made me feel closer to the amazing people in groups 133 & 134. I feel that much more confident in my ability to smile and say “No” to all the relationships people try to shove at me.
As Pride Month comes to a close, I want to remind you that love and relationships are here to be celebrated and cherished all year long – and if for you, like it does for me, that means celebrating loving a single life, then go forth into July with confidence in your step, a smile on your lips, and a ‘Nah to the Ah to the No No No’ ready whenever you need it.
Sticky Rice 
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