Humor

The World’s Most Successful RPCV

Madeleine Aggeler, 126

Hi, my name is Karen. You probably already know me as the World’s Most Successful RPCV (selected by a rare, but not unprecedented collaboration between Peace Corps, The Economist and TMZ.) I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately about how I’ve managed to so completely dominate my return to the “real” world without having to resort to bank robberies or reality TV. So I’ve taken some time today to answer some of your questions:

How did you become so successful?

Two words: get discovered.

Upon returning from my two years of service in [country redacted], I, like many RPCVs, moved back in with my parents. I applied to work at a number of NGOs, and when they said “watching Netflix is not a useful skill,” I started waiting tables at a high-end Mexican restaurant, the kind where they leave the rest of your margarita pitcher right there on the table with you. One day, a certain famous movie director, who will remain unnamed, came to sit in my section with his actor friend. I know, I know. Based on that description you’re so sure it’s Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks, but I really can’t say that it was them. I can’t say “It was definitely, 100% those two people.” I won’t say it.

So, I served two gentlemen who may or may not have been involved in the film Saving Private Ryan, and needless to say, they were very impressed by my service.

“Wow, you leave the rest of the margarita right here on the table with us? Look at that form. Are you an RPCV? You’re going places, kid,” remarked not-Spielberg.

“Yeah, with a figure and a work ethic like that, you should be in the movies!” Not-Hanks added.

“T*m,” not-Spielberg said, leaning across his half-eaten Grande Nachos Supreme, “I didn’t think this was possible, but she may be someone who’s destined for more than the movies.”

At this point, not-Hanks stood up and flipped the table, his taco enchilada combo meal, not-Spielberg’s Grande Nachos Supreme, and strawberry margarita flying everywhere.

“What do you mean “more than the movies”? That’s impossible! There’s no such thing!”

“T*m! T*m! Calm down. I know it sounds crazy. But I think she’s just the girl to help our friend with that problem he’s been having.”

Because I’m a woman who had been outside, I assumed they were talking about a sex thing. Thankfully I was wrong, and this friend of theirs turned out to be none other than President Barack Obama, who was having a hard time tracking down a certain evil-doer. Now, I can’t go into details, but I’ll just say that two weeks after my first trip to the White House, Osama Bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six.

Everything else just kind of went from there.

What is a typical day like for The World’s Most Successful RPCV?

I start every morning with an Instagram of my breakfast, which is usually a green drink made of kale, Crystal Light, and bits of Ezra Koenig’s cardigans, with the hashtags #Blessed #CleanEating and #TheMoonIsAGovernmentHologram.

Then, I spend about an hour cyber-bullying my nemesis, U.S. Secretary of Transportation, Anthony Foxx. Harsh, I know, but he fucking deserves it. You would get it if you met him. He’s just so… bleugh.  For more details, check out my website: anthonyfoxxsmellslikefarts.net.

The rest  of my day can be spent doing any number of things: advising President Obama on Iran or to fire Anthony Foxx, working with my good friend Kevin Federline on our new line of flat brims for Lids, or painstakingly staging candid street style photography. For lunch I generally Google image pictures of pizza on my phone.  For exercise, I go to the gym and take selfies of myself on various machines.

I know what you’re all wondering – what about my love life? Well, like many of my peers, I’ve turned to online dating.  I have a profile on eLuminati, which is like Match.com for the rich and powerful. To join, there’s a blood sacrifice, and you have to make it through an interview with the Millionaire Matchmaker woman without crying.

Yes, I am sexually active. Some of my past lovers  include Channing Tatum, Alan Greenspan, Kanye West, two of the One Directions, and Elizabeth Warren.  As a responsible adult, I always use protection – condoms, mouth guards, helmets, and breastplates. In the morning, I escort them out of my house with a goody-bag full of framed photos of me, mini-Snickers, and a copy of Vanilla Ice’s autobiography, “Ice by Ice.”

How can we be as successful as you?

To conclude, I will share with you my three keys to being a successful RPCV:

  1. Selfie or it didn’t happen.
  2. Never take “no” for an answer.
  3. Stop Anthony Foxx at all costs.

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