Colt Dreyer, 135 TESS
For better or for worse, Southeast Asia – Thailand in particular – has been a destination for foreign men “looking for love.” Every year, thousands of tourists arrive at Suvarnabhumi Airport with the goals of seeing the sites, eating authentic Thai food, and, in many cases, giving their best shot at the local female population. Some view this behavior as exploitative; others call it normal. Whatever you call it, this act has been happening long before our cohort arrived and will more than likely continue after our departure. The purpose of this piece is not to judge or give my two cents on this phenomenon, but simply to share my experience as a committed, non-single, foreign man living in Thailand, and the challenges associated with navigating these circumstances.
I began my relationship with my long-term girlfriend (soon to be wife) before receiving the invitation to serve in Thailand. We both understood the challenges of a long-distance relationship, but she also knew how long I’ve wanted to be a Peace Corps volunteer and how long I’ve been applying. We agreed that I would regret turning down this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and also believed our relationship was worth trying to maintain despite the distance and difficulties. Of course, some days have been easier than others -but after 17 months of service, I think we’ve figured it out.
If you research which countries have the highest rates of infidelity, Thailand often tops the lists, with some sources claiming rates as high as 51%. Now, whether this information is accurate and reliable is up for debate, but regardless, it shows us that being unfaithful to one’s partner is prevalent. On top of this, anyone with eyes can see there is no shortage of married or committed foreigners traveling here for “transactional adult activities” – creating an environment that can be difficult to navigate for someone in a committed relationship. Again, I’m not here to judge or preach, lord knows I’m far from perfect. I am simply describing the current environment I have called home for the last year and a half of my life. Given these accepted norms and practices, being a foreign man who speaks some Thai and lives here long term comes with assumptions – ones that don’t align with my values or intentions. This has led to a concerning number of awkward and sometimes uncomfortable situations.
Most of the time, a simple “mii fen laeo” (I have a partner) is enough to halt flirtation or matchmaking attempts, but not always. I have lost count of the number of times I have been asked, “Ok, but where’s your Thai girlfriend?” or “Would you like another one?” Some may find this flattering in a certain respect, but it always leaves me feeling uneasy. The most extreme example of this was a woman offering me her 19-year-old daughter’s hand in marriage after a five-minute conversation in Thai. That was one of the few moments I have genuinely frozen and struggled to process what was just said to me. On the milder side, taxi drivers asking if I’m “looking for boom boom” is easy to dismantle with a polite “no thank you.”
However, when the offer comes from a member of my community, someone I am here to assist in teaching the local youth, it hits differently. The most bizarre, in my opinion, is the praise that comes with declining these types of advances… On multiple occasions, I have been told I’m a “good man” for staying faithful when presented with the opportunity to do the opposite. This always struck me as odd, considering that back home, not cheating on your partner is a bare minimum, not an accomplishment. To reiterate, I am not trying to tell people what they can or cannot do. What consenting adults do amongst themselves is none of my business or concern. These struggles simply stem from the assumption that I am here for reasons far, far different from my purposes and the situations that follow.
While I believe my exact circumstances may be unique, as long-distance relationships among male volunteers serving in Thailand may not be the most common, I know I’m not the first, and I doubt I’ll be the last. So, this article is for any prospective volunteers or visitors with a partner waiting for them back home. I share this to help you feel more prepared than I was. Despite these hurdles, I have loved serving in Thailand. Thai people are among the kindest and most welcoming people I have ever met. It’s been a pleasure getting to be part of this program and a privilege to meet and get to know so many Thais. I can’t walk 10 feet without someone inviting me into their home for coffee or dinner. I want to emphasize that these experiences are not reflective of all Thai people, as most have been warm, respectful, and receptive, and I refuse to perpetuate the harmful stereotypes I’ve heard back home.
I highly encourage anyone and everyone to take a trip here and experience this vibrant culture for themselves. But for those in a committed relationship, it’s important to know what you might encounter and how you can navigate it. Thank you to those who took the time to read my snippet on life here, and good luck in all your endeavors.
Sticky Rice 