Rich Ambuske, 127

“We need a new logo. A new theme, a new symbol.”
“What’s wrong with the one we have?”
“C’mon, ‘Kra Isthmus, mountain grass, cashew nut, mineral water stream and the real pearl of Ranong?’ It’s like a bad haiku. It’s not catchy. I want something that gets people saying, ‘Let’s get our asses to Ranong.’”

“Do you have anything in mind?’
“Not yet, I’ll know it when I hear it. I want something that will draw people away from that blasted Phuket. What do they got that we don’t.”
“Well, they have sandy beaches.”
“We have sandy beaches. Don’t we?”
“Yes, but they’re hard to get to.”
“OK, so we say they’re not crowded. People love that. What else?”
“Phuket has more restaurants, more hotels, more people that speak English.”
“OK, let’s look at this from another angle. What does Ranong have that Phuket doesn’t?”

“Well, we have a couple of National Parks, we’ve got waterfalls, we’ve got hot springs, we’ve got that UNESCO Biosphere thing.”
“We do? Oh, right, right, the Mangrove Forest Research Center. Does anyone go there?”
“I’ve seen a few people wandering around.”
“National Parks and hot springs seem to be a baht a dozen in Thailand. Keep going.”
“There’s Grass Mountain.”
“You mean Bald Hill?”
“Yeah, it’s also called Ghost Hill, or Swiss Mountain Pasture.”
“Too confusing. How can a couple of treeless hills in a field have so many names? What else do we have?”
“We have the usual assortment of Wats. We have Wat Hatsompaen up on the mountain. They have that canal filled with the revered brook carp. People love feeding them all day long.”
“Yeah, that’s nice and all, but it’s not grabbing me.”
“Ooh, we have Phra Khayang Cave. That’s pretty.”
“Too many bats. It smells. Keep going.”
“What about that old Japanese steam engine from WWII?”
“I don’t know, it would be hard to complete with Kanchanaburi and all that Bridge on the River Kwai stuff.”
“We’ve got old tin mines. We’ve got rubber and palm oil. We’ve got some organic coffee. We’ve got King Chulalongkorn’s initials carved in that rock up near Kra Buri. That’s a big draw.”
“People only stop there because it’s a border checkpoint.”
“Well, they stop.”
“You know, the sign in front of that monument is spelled wrong? It says the King’s initials are craved on a stone inscription. Not carved, craved.”
“ Oopsies. We’ll look into that.”
“Ok, Phuket and Krabi have islands. We have islands. Koh Chang and Koy Phayam. Can we do anything with those?”
“Well, I’m not sure of that. Both are nice of course. Both have lots of bungalows and beaches, and lots of people visit. Koh Phayam has a small group of sea gypsies that come every now and again, but they’re kinda unpredictable. Koh Chang keeps getting the short shrift. People always confuse it with the other, bigger, splashier Koh Chang over in the Gulf of Thailand near Trat.”
“But surely we can play up the cashews, right?”
“Of course, everyone loves our cashews. And the diving off shore is good. If only the coral reefs weren’t disappearing. Damned climate change. And that tsunami didn’t help. But we still have our pearls.”
“Yes, but I want to get away from that old provincial slogan, remember? Let’s keep trying.”
“Um. Hmm. Well, we’ve got Burmese. Lots of Burmese.”

“Yes, but we’re trying to sell Thailand.”
“OK, what about, ‘Visit Myanmar without leaving Thailand?’ Or how about, ‘When you’ve traveled the entire length of Myanmar, take a left and visit Ranong.’ You know, come to think of it, we could change our name from Ra-nong to Ya-nong, which is an anagram for Yangon, Myanmar’s capital. How cool would that be?”
“If you weren’t my brother-in-law, I’d fire you right now. Let’s think more globally.”
(The sound of fingers drumming on the desk. The sound of someone taking a long sniff from a tiny bottle of camphor/menthol aromatics)
“Ranong. Ranong. Ummm, we’re the least populated province.”
“Keep going.”
“We’re 80% forested.”
“Good, good.”
“We’re 67% mountainous.”
“Hmmm.”
“We don’t have a mall or a movie theater and it takes forever to get anywhere.”
“I don’t like where this is headed. Next.”
“Well, it rains a lot.”
“Yes, we get the most rain of anyone in Thailand. Keep going.”
“It rains for 8 months.”
“Yes, 8 months of rain, what else?”
“Ok, after that we get a few weeks of sun and summer.”
“Ok, good. 8 from 12 is 4. Could we say that we get 4 months of sun?”
“It’s a stretch, but I think we can get away with it.”
“Yes, 8 months of rain, 4 of sun. That’s good. Let’s own the rain.”
“I’ve got it. We can use a big 84 as our logo. The eight for the rain. It can be gray, no, wait, blue, yes, blue for water. And the 4 can be yellow for the sun.”
“Brilliant.”
“Wait, there’s more. Let’s put a big, happy sun over the 4.”
“Ok. What about the 8?”
“Umm. Oh, how about a little gray cloud with a couple of rain drops.”
“Perfect. We needn’t mention the monsoons. Downplay the monsoons.”
“ Anything else?”
“No, I like it. I think we’re good. We’ve got ourselves a winner. Good work. C’mon I’ll buy you a bottle of Leo.”